I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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