chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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