1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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