I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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