the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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