Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
