I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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