You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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