Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
