I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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