turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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