i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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