Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
