u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
