woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The air was thick with penises
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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