he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
