Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
