My nipple is on Facebook.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
