They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
