I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
