Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
