Don't make out with my wife yet
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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