so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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