my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
