dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
