All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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