A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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