I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
