I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.