why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
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We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard