Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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