There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
