i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Oh god it's open bar.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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