i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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