it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Two words: blizzard sex
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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