Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
