I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he fucked my hip out of place.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
