I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
