Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You need Xanax blowdarts
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
