I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
