nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
