she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I need a beard to bite.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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