Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
