i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
