guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
