You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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