awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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