12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
