i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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