2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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