i just wanna soil my oats bro
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
