i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
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we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
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I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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