Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
