I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
