what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
