Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
