At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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