It's like God shit irony all over that family
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i just sent this text using only my big toe
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
