so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My sheets look like a crime scene.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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