Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
