morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
