the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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