4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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