sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
