I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
