today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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