Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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