There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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