You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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