i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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