Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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